MARRIAGE COUNSELING/Couples Counseling
Couples counseling is for couples who are married or not, engaged or not, living together or not, previously married or never married, younger and older couples, heterosexual or same sex couples, monogamous and non-monogamous. Whether you are looking to improve communication, trying to heal from an affair, want to grow your intimacy, develop trust, or just want to feel more connected again, this is a great option. Ideally, couples counseling is designed for couples who are committed to the relationship and are willing to do the the "work" required to help them maximize their relationship with their partner and want to continue to grow, connect, and engage with each other. This can be helpful for couples who feel like roommates, bicker frequently, struggle to find time together, or for couples who want relationship maintenance, those who still love each other and want to stay together, or for those who are beginning to notice that the fire, passion, and "honeymoon phase" is fizzling. Whether your problem feels big or small, new or old, now is a good time to intervene.
Studies show that when couples start having relationship problems, they wait an average of 7 years before seeking help. Working with a marriage therapist can help you avoid waiting until it is too late.
So, if you are starting to notice that things feel "off," you feel more like friends and less like lovers, feel bored or stuck, and overall just feel disconnected from your partner--like you're not on the same page anymore, the time is now. Let's handle small problems while they are still small. There is usually a reason for the disconnect and we can help you reverse the pattern that is not working for you.
How our “inside out” approach is different:
As therapists, we believe that the problems you are experiencing in your relationship are symptoms of something greater. Sometimes it is a symptom of major disconnect in the relationship, or resurfacing childhood trauma/family patterns, a dysregulated nervous system, subconscious desires, or even a sign that the relationship is trying to grow and needs new rules to do so.
Rather that treating JUST the symptoms themselves and modifying behavior (like learning communication skills, spicing things up in the bedroom, improving conflict resolution skills, etc), we focus on getting to the ROOT quickly. This means we work inside out. So, yes, you will learn practical boots-on-the-ground skills and tools, but we will also focus on the part of you that won’t use them when you go home.
We find that this approach creates QUICK momentum, RADICAL shifts, and change that is LONGER LASTING.
Most of our clients really want to escape the hustle and bustle and go-go-go rushed nature of the everyday grind and we want to support that in our couples work as well. That means we like to work intensely, deeply, and intimately in our first meeting. Our preferred method of working with couples involves a long session we call an “intensive” which starts at 2.5 hours. This gives us enough time in the first meeting to explore lots of nooks and crannies, really understand the problem, help you sort through the weeds and decide the fastest path forward, hearing from both partners to get a clear picture of where they are vs. where they want to be instead, diagnosing the relationship “problems” and the barriers that keep them stuck, and beginning to move and build MOMENTUM on DAY 1.
The old way of doing things included a 45 minute meeting where we barely scratch the surface of the problem, only to have you come back the next week to address goals. This can feel quite painful when you need a change and need it quick.
Most of our clients LOVE this approach and find that 2.5 hours in the first meeting pass quickly. They usually leave that first meeting feeling more hopeful, optimistic, and excited than they have in quite some time.
From that meeting, we recommend that we meet consistently, typically weekly, to keep the momentum going for at least 4 sessions and then we re-evaluate. While each couple or relationship is different, 8 sessions is a reasonable estimate for the length of time you can expect to work with us.
our approach is for you if:
Previous counseling was ineffective or only focused on symptom management.
You are ready to RE-PRIORITIZE your relationship. Meeting weekly with us communicates to yourself, to your partner, to the relationship that it is a priority and this approach provides accountability for that.
You value time, thoroughness, presence, clarity, and the ability to have focused, intentional, uninterrupted time discussing important matters in your relationship.
You’re ready to heal, grow, and establish relational health.
You want your children to have a healthy relationship model to follow.
our approach is not for you if:
You don’t want to get to the root causes of your relationship issues.
You are not willing to meet consistently.
You want to rush through this process or are looking for a “quick fix”
You are only focused on changing your partner (hint: it creates sabotage every time!)
What if my partner doesn't want to come?
Sometimes it is difficult to make changes in your relationship if your partner is not invested in joining you in couple's therapy. We offer couples counseling-for-one, which is a great option to consider. It is like couple's counseling but when only one person wants to attend or is willing to attend at this time. You can often make changes in your relationship without both partners having to be present. Many times, reluctant partners are afraid to come to therapy because they are fearful they will be ganged up on or told they are wrong. As therapists, we don't pick sides. We don't tell couples that someone is right or wrong. The relationship is our client, and we want to take care of that. Blaming someone or shaming them isn't therapeutic at all. Therefore, we don't operate like that. Most times, after a reluctant partner has come to therapy, they say they are relieved, glad they came, and that it went differently than they expected. They feel as though they got heard, too!
What if we are having issues around sex?
No worries. Many couples and individuals we see experience issues that are sexual in nature such as:
-low desire/libido
-mismatched drives between partners
-bedroom boredom & plateaus
-sex feeling like a chore
-pain during intercourse
-mental blocks
-performance anxiety (and being in your head during sex)
-erectile dysfunction/rapid ejaculation
-sex while aging
-sexual functioning with health issues
-postpartum libido
-conversations about sex
-spirituality and sex
-& more
Our therapists on staff have training around sexual issues and are highly specialized and trained to work with clients in non-judgmental ways to resolve them. Because there’s nothing they haven’t seen before, it is all “normal” to them…so it feels easy, fun, and not so darn awkward. And talking about marriage without talking about sex is like a plumber that doesn’t do toilets…it just doesn’t make sense!
My insurance covers marriage counseling. Do you take insurance?
Some insurance plans do cover marriage counseling (they often don't cover it at all if you're not married), but that comes with a few caveats. Typically, when a therapist calls to verify your benefits, your plan administrator will inform us that yes-it is covered on your plan as long as you don't talk about things like relationships and sex. CRAZY, right?! Here's why: insurance will only reimburse you if your therapy is MEDICALLY NECESSARY, and therefore requires your therapist to diagnose you with a mental illness/mental disorder diagnosis which becomes part of your permanent medical record. Most clients are not privy to this information. In addition to that, your therapist may or may not have to communicate some details about your case to your insurance provider to have your sessions authorized, and your insurance company may only allow for a certain number of sessions per year.
There are a couple of schools of thought when it comes to insurance for marriage/couples therapy. Most of the clients we see are high functioning people who just want a better relationship or just want to feel better about the relationship. We don't believe this makes you mentally ill, and we feel "icky" about giving you a diagnosis that may not be true just for the sake of getting paid. Additionally, when our relationships struggle, it is normal to feel depressed or anxious! We don't feel we can justify a short term issue with a long-term (permanent) diagnosis.
So, what does this mean? This means we are self-pay. There is an added benefit to self-pay. You don't get a diagnosis on your record, you have increased privacy and confidentiality since we aren't providing "medical" details to your insurance company for reimbursement, you have greater freedom and flexibility to talk about topics you want to talk about (your overbearing mother-in-law, your differences in parenting strategies, sex life, etc), and you get to choose how often you come. If you want 3 sessions a week, your insurance company won't deny that. If you want to come twice a year for a tune up, your insurance won't deny that. We feel it gives you a higher level of service.
We do understand, however, that sometimes using insurance makes sense. If therapy will create a financial burden, we don't want that for you. If that's the case, we are happy to provide you with some referrals.