Trust is often seen as this big thing that we either have or we don’t. Someone has either earned it, or they haven’t. Trust is sometimes seen as one of those things we have, until it is lost or betrayed. Or it is something we can’t know that we have until someone has taken the necessary steps to ensure they are, in fact, trustworthy. Researchers have begun to explore the anatomy of trust and what ingredients make up trust. Whether you’re starting a new relationship, revitalizing an old one, or trying to recover from betrayal or infidelity, it can be helpful to know how to measure trust, what to look for, and how to detect what’s missing and what can thus be worked on.
Brene Brown, a social worker and researcher in the field, has spent many years trying to understand shame and vulnerability and the role it plays in our relationships to self and others. More recently, she has been exploring the anatomy of trust, what it looks like, how to know when you have it, and how to determine ways to get it back after it has been lost. To understand trust, you must know that trust is not one BIG thing. It is actually a culmination of lots of little things, over time. One handy way to remember these ingredients of trust is to remember the acronym BRAVING. Once you know these ingredients, then you can hone any disagreements that arise and know how to compartmentalize them, keeping you focused, and on track, and better able to ask for what you want and need.
B- Boundaries
Boundaries are essentially the spoken and unspoken rules of relationships. It is what is considered appropriate or inappropriate, what is ok and not ok, what is tolerated and not tolerated within the context of the relationship. Sometimes these are negotiated early in the relationship (let’s be exclusive and monogamous, we are waiting until marriage to have sex, we are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex, we share passwords for email/social media), and sometimes we have conflict because we need to renegotiate a boundary that may have never been set (Can we spend money without consulting with one another? Can I stay out until 3 am without calling you and letting you know of my whereabouts? When is keeping secrets ok?)
R- Reliability
Reliability sounds pretty simple, right? But, sometimes we get this one wrong. Reliability basically means this: do you do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it? Do you say what you mean and mean what you say? Do you follow up and follow through with commitments? If you tell your spouse you’re going to be home by 9pm, are you home by then, or is it after midnight? If you find yourself in an argument, and you point out that now isn’t a good time to talk, and ask if you can discuss things later, do you follow up with that? During a fight, do you threaten divorce only to take it back a few days later once the dust has settled?
A- Accountability
Can you take responsibility for your actions and behaviors? Can you acknowledge your role in negative interactions, apologize (if necessary), and make amends or work to remedy/reconcile the situation? For example, if you got into a heated disagreement with your spouse, and in the heat of the moment threatened divorce, can you go back to your mate and say “I got carried away. I didn’t mean it. I was just angry. Can you forgive me? I am going to work on not threatening divorce when we fight.” Or, “Honey, I hear you telling me that leaving my dirty clothes in the floor instead of putting them in the laundry bin bothers you. I am going to work on putting them in the basket.” Accountability is a great way to demonstrate to your mate that you hear their concerns, that you are listening, and you have the ability to be considerate and work toward bringing your best self to the table and are willing to make a change for the greater good of the relationship.
V- Vulnerability
This one is sometimes challenging for many. Vulnerability means showing up in a way that is genuine and authentic in the relationship. Can you express your deepest fears? Longings and desires? Hopes and dreams? Wants and needs? Feelings? Secrets? Can you embrace your imperfections and allow your partner to see the softer, unexposed sides of you? Sometimes we run into trouble when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with those who have not yet earned the right to hear our story. Once we know they can demonstrate other ingredients of trust, we can begin to be more vulnerable. And, vulnerability is important because it is the key ingredient to long-term, successful and satisfying relationships.
I- Integrity
Integrity is similar to vulnerability in that we need to be able to be our authentic and genuine selves. It also means practicing what we preach, or walking the walk. When we do that, we are in alignment with our values and beliefs and behave in a way that is commanded by our own moral and ethical code. It means doing the right thing even when it is difficult, or doing the right thing even when you don’t get credit, or doing the right thing when nobody's looking. It also means not putting your loved ones in positions where they are forced to compromise your integrity. One example is accepting your partner as they are, rather than “fixing” or “rescuing” them and trying to tweak them into being the perfect mate. Or, if you value honesty and fidelity in a relationship, are you demonstrating those things?
N-Non-Judgment
This requires avoiding criticism and judgment against yourself or your partner. Think about the difference between telling your partner about a mistake you made and hearing “ I can’t believe you! You always screw up! You knew better! What the hell were you thinking?” versus hearing “Ok. You made a mistake. It happens. Let’s figure out how to fix it.” The latter response makes us feel safe, and allows us to be vulnerable and open up to our partners.
G- Generosity/Generous Assumptions
Basically, do we jump to negative assumptions and conclusions about loved ones? Or do we look at them through a lens that allows us to make generous assumptions? For example, “My wife forgot my birthday, and I am so pissed off. She only worries about herself and she probably didn’t even forget, she’s probably not telling me happy birthday on purpose” versus “My wife forgot my birthday and I’m hurt about it, but she has had a lot on her plate, I know she’s stressed, and the baby was sick. Even though I’m hurt, I know she loves me and wouldn’t do that intentionally.” Generosity requires a little grace and mercy at times.
Now that you know the ingredients of trust, think about them like this: Imagine you have a marble jar. Each time someone honors one of these ingredients, it is a marble in the jar. Each time someone doesn’t honor one of these ingredients, it is a marble out of the jar. Your job is to assess whether your marble jar with this person is filled or empty, or somewhere in between. If the jar is full, then this is likely someone you can really trust. If it isn’t full, you now know where to focus your energy and conversations to rebuild trust. Perhaps you renegotiate boundaries, or practice accountability, or being vulnerable.