Feeling a bit at odds with your mate? Like you’ve been at each others’ throats about small, trivial things? You may wish your partner was less irritable, more enjoyable, and more fun--like they used to be. But, it can feel like a daunting task and downright powerless to sit around hoping and waiting for the other person to change, especially after you’ve repeated yourself over and over again. While there aren't any quick-fixes, here are some simple, but effective strategies that YOU can implement turn your relationship around this week.
1. Start with a beginner’s mind.
I bet you can finish your partner’s sentences. You know if you ask them for something or tell them what you want, you can predict their behavior. You know each other so well, it’s like you can see into the future and already know how a situation is going to go down. We often assume the worst. “I’m not even going to ask him to visit my family because all he will do is pout and complain the whole time.” “There’s no point in initiating sex because she will just say no anyway. She always has a headache.” However, this kind of thinking sets up a self fulfilling prophecy at times. Try seeing every situation through a beginner’s mind...this means don’t automatically assume you know the outcome or that it will be negative. Start with a fresh outlook, much like you’ve just met. This will keep you curious, lighthearted, and will help your partner not be so guarded, and thus, open to different responses.
2. Know what buttons to NOT push.
If I asked you to intentionally push your partner’s buttons, I bet it wouldn’t take long for you to know exactly what to do to get your mate to tick, right? You know what they do/don’t like. This means you know what their hot buttons are. This also means you know what to NOT DO to push your partner’s buttons. Simply avoid the jabs that may stir your partner up and find ways to remedy when you do push buttons. For example, if you know your partner likes being on time and the two of you argue when you’re rushed and running late, make every effort to be on time or early to demonstrate care and respect to your partner. This will eliminate any tension or harsh startup that can quickly spiral out of control.
3. Act as if your partner is responding lovingly.
If you’re not noticing much change, and still find your partner being negative, behave as though they had just responded positively, lovingly, and the way you’d hoped. Now think about this: think of a moment when you expect a negative reaction out of your partner….and now think of what your response might look like. It’ll probably be somewhat negative, right? Now, imagine if your partner responds the way you’d hoped and what your behavior/attitude/body language would look like in response. Probably more positive, right? This goes to show you that you have more power and control in the relationship that you may have previously thought. And you can interrupt vicious negative cycles.
Doing these three things can help create a sense of peace, ease, and calm in your relationship and can shift negative interactions into positive ones. It will require some consistency on your part. (Don’t try it for a day and ditch it forever if it doesn’t work). Be patient and stick with it. It might take a few days for your partner to trust that you’re different and these new changes could be here for the long haul. And if there’s less fighting or bickering, there’s time for more important things, like spontaneity, intimacy, laughter, affection, fun, generosity, and kindness.